I lost my baby this week. I was 10 weeks pregnant. While I can't prove it for certain, I know in my heart of hearts that the child I carried was a girl. I named her Rachel Olivia. She was so very, desperately, wanted.
Yesterday I learned she had other plans. She preferred to skip over this life and go straight to the one where there are no tears nor sadness. I know Jesus is holding her in His arms, as I am unable to.
Last night, I told my husband I wanted to go to the beach and listen to the waves come up & down. We have very dear friends who live near the beach and we called them to let them know we were coming. Within 15 minutes of our arrival, a number of our other friends came as well, to join us in our time of suffering. We sat under the beach, and our pastor came too and brought his guitar. We were singing songs of praise to our God, who "works all things together for the good of those who love Him." We don't understand why this happened, but we also know that God doesn't waste a hurt.
While we were singing under the starlit sky, listening to the waves crash upon the shore, I glanced heavenward. I saw a shooting star at the same moment I felt a sharp pain in my womb. I believe it was my daughter, letting me know she had arrived in heaven and was there watching over us.
It is to my daughter, Rachel Olivia Swanepoel, that I dedicate this poem.
I saw her in a shooting star
The night I learned she had gone from me
My unborn child, dearly loved,
Shooting across & above the moonlit sea
I saw her in a shooting star
As friends of my heart sang around me
The precious soul, carried inside me
For such a brief time, yet I know it was she, when
I saw her in a shooting star.
5 comments:
I am very sorry to hear this, Jen. You, your family (including Rachel) are in our thoughts.
You've written a lovely poem for your baby girl. My heart aches for you and your family. I can just imagine you at the beach and wish I was there for you.
I believe in shooting stars too.
What a sweet heart wrenching post. Glad you can praise In your pain. Praying for you!
I'm very sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my family's prayers. It's hard. We lost twin boys last Oct 30th. It has been a hard, hard year. But God has really shown us tremendous grace and mercy through it. I pray the same for you all.
I am so sorry to hear this and realize that I am learning it a bit late. Sending BIG HUGS your way. I am so glad, though, that you and your friends and your pastor took time to grieve together. I think this is a piece of this experience that has often been missing for women (especially)...and their spouses. I'm praising God that you know your little angel is with Him and that he WILL hold you in this storm. Much Love!
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