Sunday, August 10, 2008

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Tonight I am sad. This is my last night as a stay-at-home-mom.

Tonight I am excited. Tomorrow I embark upon the final leg of my journey towards becoming a certified teacher.

Tonight I am anxious. I have been "out of the loop" for a couple of years now and my skills have gotten rusty. The world of education is ever-changing, and there could be an entirely new way of teaching math by now. No joking.

Tonight I am scared. My little son will go to daycare for the first time in his life. Will he eat his lunch? Will he be able to sleep on the little cot they give him at naptime? What if he can't fall asleep? What if he's not tired when they put all the other kids down? Will they check to see if he needs his diaper changed often enough? Will he like the other kids? Will the other kids like him? Will the teachers be able to see how special and precious my baby is?

Tonight I am happy. I have worked for nearly eight years to achieve the goal that will be reached on December 12, whereupon I will walk across a stage and be handed a piece of paper that says I have attained a college education.

Tonight I am mournful. For the next 15 weeks, I will be missing half of my son's life. He will spend more waking hours with someone else.

Tonight I am jealous. Jealous of the people that will get to hear the new words my son learns. Jealous of the people that will get to see the smiles and hear the giggles of my little boy. Jealous of the people that will give him his food and take care of his physical needs.

Tonight I am angry. Angry at myself for making poor choices in the past resulting in my current situation. I am angry at the education system for not providing support for mothers of young children. I am angry that we live so far away from my family, who would be more than happy to take care of my little boy while I take this final step towards completing my education. I am angry at the economy for making the prices of houses triple in the last 5 years, making it necessary for a family(at least, our family) to have two incomes in order to purchase a modest home.

I am feeling so many things right now. I can't decide which emotion to settle on. I have my son's backpack ready for tomorrow. It has a change of clothes, several diapers, his blanket, pillow and stuffed monkey for naptime, his morning snack and his lunch box. I have chosen the outfit I will wear for tomorrow, and as soon as I finish this post I will pack up this laptop in its bag and include a notebook, pen and pencil with it so I will be prepared for anything tomorrow.

The only thing I can't prepare for is how I will feel being away from my precious, precious, baby.

I know some of you moms out there are anxious for school to start again so you can get your kids out of the house.

Me? School starts tomorrow, and I am in agony.

13 comments:

Anne/kq said...

(((hugs))) Every choice we make is hard at some point. You're hitting the hard stuff, but it will be okay. You will get through, you will adapt.

And if you really can't, you can always change your mind, and make some different choices.

In whatever you do, remember your friends are here to support you and we love you!

Awesome Mom said...

Good luck! It is always hard to start a new phase in life. I am sure you will do great!

Heather said...

Aww. Good luck!

Before long you'll wonder what you were worried about.

Erin said...

I am thinking of you today, and I understand exactly how you feel. Every little bit of agony and jealousy. It's okay to feel that way, and it will get easier, I promise.

the dragonfly said...

Thinking of you!

Hope everything is going okay..

Jessica said...

Thank you for being so real with your feelings. I have the same feelings day in and day out about working full-time. But it's what I have to do and so I do it. And I cherish each moment I have with my kiddo even more. Good Luck! I'll be thinking of you.

Amber said...

WHAT??? Have I been so out of the loop to miss this major life change?

How wonderful for you but your feelings are the reason I just can't go back to work full-time. You will balance it all marvelously, though!

Susan said...

Hang in there and know that this time is a time that will pass quickly! I know it's a wide range of emotions. Someone told me when I went back to school that it was good to do it while my boys were "young"--they were 6, 5, and 1---because they will "hardly know it". If you wait until they are older, they WILL know it and they WILL need you. It's not that they don't need you now, but it is not something he'll remember.

If there's anything I can do to support you during this time, let me know. I have tons of curriculum materials at my fingertips.

Above all, know that I am praying!!

:-) Susan

Mamacita Tina said...

This is hard. What you are doing is for the betterment of you and your family. Sending you a big hug.

Haley said...

I really hope everything went well for you Jen! :-)

I know exactly how you're feeling because in 2 weeks Jackson and I will be following the same routine you guys are on now.

Hang in there! In the end, it will all be worth it!

carrie said...

awww, I would feel the same things things as you. I would die if I had to leave my kids. Which I guess I do at night for work, but for some reason it's not the same.

Hugs to you, and I hope you feel better about things soon.

Holly at Tropic of Mom said...

It's a big step, and one I know you will excel in.

I've given you a blogging award! Just check my site.

Dr. Cason said...

Awwww...How did it go?

I think that having my kids in daycare turned out to be one of the best things for them. Language went through the roof. We appreciate each other more. They socialize great and really at some point how much traipsing around the house does one child need?