Tuesday, August 7, 2007

What to do, what to do???

Having a dilemma of sorts.

Do I take the part-time teaching job I've been offered? Do I leave Lance with babysitters? The ladies I've lined up are wonderful, dear, friends of mine. I feel like I'm imposing on them. "Here, you watch my child so I can go out and earn money." I'm making so little money at the job that to pay them the going rate for babysitting would be more than my salary. (That's so wrong, by the way, that babysitters get paid MORE than teachers!! But I digress. That's a subject for another post!) Perhaps I can take them out to lunch instead of paying them? Hmm, by the time I pay for lunch for each of us each day, I may as well have paid them the going rate for babysitting, so my whole paycheck would go to the restaurants. Why bother with that?

Do I need to work now, anyway? What is my motivation? We've been living on hubby's salary just fine, what's another year going to matter? In another year, Lance can go into preschool too. He could go to the preschool I teach in, which would be free!

A little extra money would be helpful, sure, but at what expense? I have the rest of my life to work, but Lance will only be a baby for a little while longer. Teaching jobs will ALWAYS be available.

I've been praying and praying, and I just keep going back and forth about whether or not this is God's will for me. If it was God's will, wouldn't I know it deep down inside? I usually do. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was supposed to marry my husband. I knew that it was God's will for me to continue in a church music ministry that I was *very* frustrated with for awhile. My flesh wanted to quit, but I knew God put me there, so I stayed, and now I'm grateful for that. When God called me to go to Tanzania on a mission trip, there was no going back and forth. It was clear what I was supposed to do.

This job? Not so clear. One day I think it's a great idea. The next day, not so much. Would this job be fun? Oh yeah. I'd have a great time! Am I just trying to "run away" from my responsibilities as a mother? If I was honest with myself, yes, a little bit. How heavenly would it be for a few hours a day to not be "mommy." A few hours without diapers and spit-up. But then, I'll be teaching 2, 3, and 4 year olds. I'll be "mommy" to a whole class full of kids.

Shouldn't I spend my time raising MY son and not somebody else's??? When he's old enough for school, then I can go and raise other people's children.

I need to make a decision soon. The preschool director would need time to find somebody else if I don't take it.

School starts in 3 weeks. I would be putting her in a horrible position if I backed out on her now. But what is more important? Her convenience, or that I do what I am supposed to do??????

Oh, the confusion.


Anonymous said...

I was recently in your position. I was offered what seemed like the perfect job... a few flexible hours, cell phone, mileage paid etc.. hubby could have watched our 9 month old son while I worked... but I couldn't do it. I actually accepted the position, then for a week had very unsettled feelings about it, so I called and turned it down. I love staying at home with my son, but I would also love to 'get away guilt-free' every once in awhile, but my mantra is, and will always be, "he'll only be this young for a short time" and "this is a SMALL piece of time out of my life".

Hope this helps! :-)

Susan said...

I don't envy you on such a decision. If you have arrangements made for the baby and it seems like all is "in place"..then it seems unclear where your confusion is coming from. I will tell you that my children who spent time in the homes of others as babies and toddlers (while I worked) are very well-rounded children. I stayed home with one of them and it's harder for him. I don't know if there's a direct correlation...because they are ALL fine.

I'm sure this decision is still not easy, but know that it will all be OK.


Anne/kq said...

In my church, we are often taught that when you have to make a tough decision and are unsure as to whether it is God's will or not, you should 1) study out the issue, read the scriptures, think long and hard, discuss it with others. 2) Come to a decision on your own, and then, 3) pray about whether that decision is correct. Sometimes you get clarity during the process of studying it out, and sometimes it is not until you ask that yes or no question that you get your answer.

Also, if you have decided to do it, but every time you try to think of doing it or really make up your mind you have doubts or even forget what you are doing, or just can't picture yourself doing it (what we call a "stupor of thought" in my church), that can be God's way of giving you a no answer.

I hope you figure it out. These decisions can be really tough.

Damselfly said...

I have been praying God will guide you so you have peace about your ultimate decision.

Joo said...

My heart goes out to you. It is such a tough choice. I pray that you will receive God's guidance in this and that you will be at peace with His decision for you.

I was recently offered a radio news job for a mere ten dollars an hour. HA! After taxes, I'd be handing over the entire check to a babysitter. I just couldn't do it. So I'm still at home and very much relating to your desire to have some grown up time. But this will pass all too quickly, I know.

I loved your shopping mommies post, by the way.